While listening to an astrology podcast with Giege the other day, one of the hosts mentioned a book she had read where the author posits humanity is in a constant state of denial.
The author believes denial, one of the seven stages of grief, is always present within us because we are always grieving.
This reminded me of a passage from a book on inner child healing GieGie shared with me, where the author concludes that in order to healthily live, we must allow ourselves to grieve. We must even grieve the loss of the possibility of things that never came into fruition.
"What happens to a dream deferred?" echoes in my head.
"Does it dry up," or does it dry us up?
Does a dream ever die?
I had a dream last night where I told myself what I really wanted to do was act, a dream I had long denied myself for being not XYZ __ enough.
Even though I went to grad school with the intention to write pieces for people like me, I hadn't thought I could write a piece for me, cuz, still, I wasn't ___ enough.
I used to dream of being on Broadway. I used to dream of being big, and yet, somewhere along the way I saw smallness as the answer.
What happens to a dream deferred?
Do we get distracted and delay our true selves' unfolding? Do we hide ourselves away?
I've been in denial about how frequently I overeat-- what could I be grieving?
Perhaps the dreams of bigness, which I ditched for being small--for squeezing myself into a box that has always been too small.
Too small, but I'm afraid to size up-- there's shame in being Large. There's a pain in being Large, and maybe that's the grief I feel-- this pain I have long denied.
Anger is a stage of grief, and I've been angry at the world for being the way it is. Angry because I thought I, too, had to be that way.
Can I advance to Acceptance? Can I accept that the world hasn't always accepted me and still-- can I accept myself?
I am perfectly acceptable.
I don't have to accept others' truths as my own.
I can deny myself no longer.
Denial is one of the seven stages of grief. I stand, now, center stage.
March 6, 2021
"Notes from The Underground" is an ongoing documentation of my self love journey wherein I bulldoze outdated, programmed thinking, reframe my frame of mind, and build my self confidence up with an unshakeable foundation.